Sex

I need some romance. Some love. I’m in a completely different place to what I was last year. I’m getting my sex drive back. I’m bored of doing “it” myself. A vibrator cannot cuddle you, tell you you’re beautiful and tilt your head and kiss you softly but deeply. It can’t look into your eyes and make love to you. You can’t climb on top of it and make it moan. I love hearing a man moan for me. I love a noisy man. It’s sensual. It means they’re loving your body. The feeling of making love to a man who really appreciates your figure. Every curve, every imperfection, every freckle. The thing is, I’m socially awkward. I can’t maintain normal friendships or relationship. I don’t know how to function around men. I don’t like it when they come on strong. I like to be the one in control. I like their vulnerability and the shyness. So what do I do? I’m anti social. I am only confident at talking to men when I’ve had a bottle of wine. Then I’m filth. I don’t mean any harm. But I have a habit of fucking up every relationship I have. Unless you’ve known me for a very long time, you will be scared by me. It’s happened before and it will happen again. I’m inappropriate all the time. I don’t mean it. I just over think. Constantly. I’m romantic but a bitch at the same time. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I just need reassurance constantly. So if I need a cuddle, a kiss, a bit of skin on skin, then I’m resigned to the fact it will be my downfall and inevitably the reason I’m my own worst enemy. I listen to MNEK-Paradise or Flashing Lights by Kanye West. Both make me feel sensual and sexy. It’s just a shame that I only have myself to have that feeling with. Probably for the best because most of the time I don’t feel like I’m worthy of love.